IChooseToLookUp

The quietest songbird

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Hello, National Suicide Hotline by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Hello, National Suicide Hotline

My fingers whisper over the number pad of my phone. I squint at the unfamiliar sequence of black numbers on the white background. I don’t need to do this. I’m fine, I tell myself. I feel bile rise in the back of my throat. I hit send. They answer sooner than I expect. ”Hello, National Suicide Hotline.” I am taken off guard by everything. His speed, his voice, my own unpreparedness. “Hi.” I managed weakly. “Hello.” He repeats. There is a moment of silence, thick and palpable. I slow the car down and ease to the side of a road in a village no one knows. As I turn off the puttering engine, he c

Leaving (haiku) by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Jaded by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Jaded

When I was little I thought the term “jaded” was funny Inevitably I would envision a person Encased in a precious-green-stone coating Wearing a sour expression And it would make me giggle Now when I think of jaded I just think of me Sitting on the bed Staring at the wall And wondering how someone who said he loved you For two years Could just walk out the door one day And never once look back

Letters from this Summer by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Letters from this Summer

Hello I don't miss you anymore I just miss the shadow of you And occasionally the companionship But never you Never much Not anymore - - - I deleted your number from my phone And wait for the moment you try to contact me And I can ask who it is The moment never comes - - - I get a kitten I can hold her in my palm I remember times when you were with me And I would stop to coo at a cat And you would laugh and stare and smile You loved me in those moments, I think It’s ok that you never met her She is like sunshine in my life Plus I am taking care of something to replace what I have lost I saved her life She saved mine And

On Mere Existance by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

On Mere Existance

Broken little wind up doll He broke my heart and my heart broke my mind My mind broke my body and my body broke my soul Until today I wasn’t even sure if I was walking or crawling Or even if I was moving Or even if I was alive in the first place Just a broken little wind up doll I can feel my inner machinery, all the little gears and cogs, Grinding to a halt and letting me know they are done Suddenly I am so small that the wind might take me Or I might be crushed Underneath nothing but my own unwillingness to keep going Like a broken little wind up doll And I don’t want to end my life but I find myself wishing I could stop ex

Expiration Date by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Expiration Date

I saw the ending in a corner booth at Applebee’s Over shared chicken fingers and a discussion of the future It was the first time I knew we had an expiration date I tried to smile as you painted your vision of the future A future that had me married within two years And bound to this small town in less But the more you spoke the less I could ignore it The twisted feeling in my stomach That told me something was wrong And all at once I remembered all the dreams I had once had To go see the world To get out of this town with its long winters and grudges To share an apartment with girl friends To do what I love for as long as I could

The Boy I Loved is Dead and Gone by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

The Boy I Loved is Dead and Gone

I can’t miss you because you’re not there anymore Eyes which once gave me comfort Now have nothing behind them The blue of oceans turns to the blue of ice Your sunlight has set into a dark and dying night And I thought if I spoke to you And reminded you that you loved me once I would see a flicker of something I recognized There were demons in your face and not one of them had remorse And before I always cried because I missed you But I woke up today and realized I couldn’t Because the boy I loved is no longer here The boy I loved would have cared when I said I wished I was dead

The Breath of Spring by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Silent Prayers by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Monster-Eaten Heart by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Monster-Eaten Heart

The monsters in my head ate my heart today They swallowed it down While I wasn't looking And even when I tried to wash them out To flood them from my soul with tears They just swam So when I cried for so long When I couldn't stop They were there to caress me with their claws I let them Because at least something was holding me Now my eyes are dry But dry eyes are little consolation When I have a monster-eaten heart

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Hello, National Suicide Hotline by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Hello, National Suicide Hotline

Leaving (haiku) by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Jaded by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Jaded

Letters from this Summer by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Letters from this Summer

On Mere Existance by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

On Mere Existance

Expiration Date by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Expiration Date

The Boy I Loved is Dead and Gone by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

The Boy I Loved is Dead and Gone

The Breath of Spring by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Silent Prayers by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Monster-Eaten Heart by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Monster-Eaten Heart

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Deviation Spotlight

Thin by IChooseToLookUp, literature

Literature

Thin

When I was growing up my mother never kept a scale in the house. I never noticed this as a child. I was accustomed to checking my weight visiting my grandmother's house; a monthly checkup just for fun. Yet every child reaches an age where the numbers staring back at them start to mean something. When I reached this point, I asked my mother why we didn't own a scale. She looked at me with serious eyes and said, "Because I know how easy it is to get obsessed over such things. I don't want you to have to go through that." I love you for preventing it as long as you could, Mom. Rarely in my life have I met a person and even so much as noticed

Thin

IChooseToLookUp

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About IChooseToLookUp

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Artist // Student // Literature

May 15
United States
Deviant for 13 years
She / Her

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My Bio

This is my place to showcase my writing.

I see poetry differently than other people do. I used to think it was wrong but I'm not so sure anymore.

I write in the hopes that I can say what I am feeling. Through this, I hope I can write what someone else is feeling as well. I hope to connect people by seeing that other people feel the same way they do. Particularly if they did not know how to put these feelings into words. That is my mission and greatest joy on this website. :)

------

Actual stuff about me (if you were wondering):

- I live somewhere. Promise.
- I love art in all its forms and I practice many of the arts.
- I write mainly freeverse but you'll find all sorts of wild stuff in that gallery over thar
- I have a really weird sense of humor
- Pandas are the best things ever
- I love giving DA hugs because I'd like to hug each and every one of you in person!

- I love comments, favs, or anything at all that proves people look at my work. I want to thank everyone here who has been so kind and supportive, because you peeps just don't get enough love.

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IChooseToLookUp

May 11, 2013

Inspired and wordless

0 min read

So I can't say I haven't been inspired to write. When I'm sitting around, snippets will go through my mind that I know would be worth writing. But I haven't been able to make myself sit down and actually write them. I don't know why. Because it's too painful, or it takes too much energy, or it requires effort from me that's not in my heart to give. So I just let the words float around, knowing they're there, but unable to put them into text because it's too hard to care. This semester has been hellish to no comparison. I have been battered, criticized, and let down. Half of this year I can't even remember because I was in such a fog. In a lo

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IChooseToLookUp

Jan 31, 2013

So...

0 min read

Wow I knew it had been awhile since I'd updated but I didn't realize it had been THAT long. Ugh. My life. What is it. I don't really know what to say because I'm not sure if anyone actually reads these (or will read them, considering how long I've been gone.) But I guess I should just say that you can expect more poetry and writing because...I guess things are happening. Things are changing. And if there's one thing you should know about me, it's that change freaks me the frick out. I kind of wish I could just close my eyes and open them again when everything is just the way I want it to be. But unfortunately that just won't happen. So, if

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IChooseToLookUp

Sep 13, 2012

Ohai 2,000

0 min read

So when I wasn't looking, I somehow hi 2,000 pageviews! And I know this is a pittance to some deviants, I'm sure But the idea that 2,000 people stopped by long enough to glance at my page, were interested enough just to click on my name, fills my heart with joy <3 Love and blessings to you all